If I Just Had More Patience…
Patience is one of the most elusive things for parents. We know- without a doubt- when our patience is gone, and it never seems to be in abundant supply! We’ve been told “patience is a virtue” and heard many parents say they’re praying for more patience. And this definition of patience really says it all:
“Patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.”
It seems like patience is this holy grail of parenthood. Have you ever thought, “If I could just be more patient, I’d be a better mom/dad?” Or have you seen a mom at the playground and thought, “Wow. She has so much patience with her daughter. If I could do that, it would be a game changer.”
9 Steps To Becoming a More Patient Parent
The good news is that there are immediate, actionable steps you can take to grow your own patience. TODAY! (Just in case you’re feeling impatient to become more patient! Ha!)
So without further ado, here is your 2-part plan.
Part 1: Prepare Yourself
1. Know Your Own Buttons
Know your own buttons, and try to limit your kids ‘access’ to them. For example, if constant questions drive you up a wall, you can work on teaching them to look up answers themselves. If the idea of tolerating delay causes anxiety for you, plan for an extra 10, 20 or however many minutes you’ll need to allow for the inevitable.
2. Practice Good Self Care
Practice good self care. I am far from the first person to say it, but this goes back to the airplane analogy of putting on your own oxygen mask before helping the others around you. You are no good to anyone else if you have passed out because you neglected your own mask! If you are completely exhausted I can just about guarantee you are going to have a hard time being patient with your kids. The same goes if you’re hungry, or too cold or too hot, or stressed, and the list could go on. When your resources are depleted, you have nothing left to give.
Part 2: Prepare for your specific kid
3. Know Your Kid’s Actual Development Level
Understanding what you can reasonably expect, and knowing what is beyond your child, can set you up for success. If you are constantly over demanding, you are going to get frustrated and your kid is going to overwhelmed. You’ll also want to keep in mind how any development or cognitive delays may affect their developmental level. Sure, you kid looks like they’re 7 (or even BE 7, chronologically), but they may only be functioning at a 5 year-old level. And, I promise, nothing will drive you crazier than expecting him or her to act like a 7 year old!
• If you want to brush up on developmental milestones for ages 3-11, here are a couple trusted and easy to read sites. There’s the Ages and Stages of Development from California’s Department of Education. And Stanford Children’s has a good page about The Growing Child for ages 6-12.
4. Lay Out Your Expectations and Limits
Clearly stating your expectations, and the limits, is critical. If your kid doesn’t truly understand what they’re supposed to be doing, they won’t be able to complete the task, which will try your patience.
Stating the limits beforehand helps because it takes the emotional aspect out of it. It’s just the facts!
5. Make A Plan Before You’re In Crisis Mode
If you know your kid struggles with transition, or it makes your eye start twitching when they’ve asked you the 32nd question in a row, make a plan for yourself.
Like, leave your family a ridiculous amount of time before you leave, or develop a mantra for yourself (“curiosity is good” or whatever helps you!) You can also put a limit on things like asking 32 questions. It’s great modeling to show that you need a few minutes to re-center. Or better yet, teach your kid how to use an ‘old-fashioned’ encyclopedia!
6. Give Choices
But only give choices you truly mean. Once you start practicing choices you’ll start seeing that you have so many more options than you realized.
For example, with young kids, it’s not a choice that they have to run errands with you. But you could give them the choice of which grocery cart to ride in, or they could help choose what fruit you buy (like apples vs. grapes). For older kids, it’s not a choice that they have to do their homework, but they could choose the rewarding activity they get to do afterwards in their free time (like art, music, video game, playing outside, spending special one on one time with you, etc.)
7. Be A Cheer Leader
Know that relentlessly cheering your kid on is faster than yelling. Saying, “Great job, keep going!” is going to get a much better, and often quicker result than, “Come on, why are you going so slow?!”
8. Keep Smiling
Sometimes the simplest things are best; so keep smiling. Study after study has shown that simply smiling -even if you don’t feel happy- can trick your body into releasing chemicals in your brain which in turn actually DO make you happy. And isn’t it so much easier to be patient when you’re feeling happy?
9. Pray
Step back and pray (or meditate if that’s not your thing). Just taking a quick break, and connecting with something beyond yourself is a time-tested way to calm down and regain your patience.
The Wrap Up
I know it’s tough out there, but you can do this. Patience isn’t something you’re born with. (Think of all those crying toddlers!) It’s something we cultivate and grow. So yes, even you will be able to grow more patient over time!
Start by recognizing your own triggers, and practicing excellent self-care. Then you can work on understanding your kid, and being clear about your expectations. Make a plan! And you can use techniques like giving choices, remaining positive, and prayer to help you along the way.
I’d love to hear how any of these steps worked out for you- let me know in the comments below!
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