Parenting Could Be The Most Important Thing You Do With Your Life
Parenting is a big job, and a huge responsibility. Many of us view it as the most consequential thing they may ever do with their lives. So, it’s no wonder so many of us wonder, “Am I doing this right?”
It’s a hard question to answer, largely because there is no one right way. The ‘right way’ can even differ between kids in the same family!
So how do you get ahead of the proverbial 8-ball, instead of always playing catch up? Create a plan. Know where you’re going, and then make a path.
Just like GPS directions when you’re driving somewhere new. You start with where you are (your current location), enter your destination, and choose which route you’d like to take. You can even design your own route, based on your knowledge of the area. But typically, you don’t start just driving, and hope you’re going in the right direction. Parenting works the same way.
SO, WHAT IS PARENTING WITH A PLAN?
Parenting with a plan means that you have developed the framework of your parenting so you’re not just throwing everything against the wall to see what sticks.
Parenting with a plan is accepting that you won’t be able to do everything as a parent, and therefore have established priorities.
This allows you to have consistency, which is one of the most important parts of parenting. Think of how crazy it’ll drive you if you’re doing one behavior modification plan this week, and then something different next week!
Consistency is important because your kids need to know what to expect from you; and it’s exhausting for you to keep re-working the wheel. It’s best if you find something you believe in and stick with it.
The destination and path you choose aren’t as important as your conviction that this is the right fit for you. That’s why there are as many different ways of parenting as there are parents- this is all based on your values and personality and choices.
Benefits of Consistency
Once you are settled in your parenting methods, you’ll be able to reap the benefits of having established consistency. During the tumultuous times of life you’ll be able to turn to your plan, and rely on the strategies you’ve developed and the knowledge that you’re following your values.
There is a ton of research demonstrating that kids do best when they have some predictability and routine in their lives. This begins with you. It doesn’t mean that you have to be living through “Ground Hogs Day,” but in general, kids should know what your reaction to their behavior will be. Your behavior needs to be predictable.
By having a predictable personality and responding to your child in a predictable way, you are helping to create a safe space for them. They will gain independence through this; because they know that you can be relied on for consistency, they can handle other parts of their life being new, spontaneous, and different.
HOW to start Parenting your own way?
We can all agree that having some sort of plan sounds good- but how do you go about choosing and enacting one? There are a few steps, but it all starts with knowing yourself, and who you are as a parent. If you are parenting with anyone else (like a spouse or partner), it would be ideal to involve them in these steps, too.
1. Identify your parenting values
A good way to go about this is to make a list of all the things that are important to you as a parent. Another way to this about this is to ask yourself, who do you hope your child becomes as they grow up? Be honest with yourself- there are no right or wrong answers. Once you’ve taken some time- this could take a few days as you mull it around and come back to it now and then- try and prioritize your values so you can identify your top 5 or so.
2. Choose your top priority value, and a coordinating behavior to address first
It’s best to choose just one are to tighten-up at a time so you don’t stretch yourself too thin. For example, a common highly rated value is respectfulness. A behavior that you may want to address, based on that value, could be talking-back, eye-rolling, not listening, or general attitude. If you’re feeling like there are too many things to work on, make a list, but don’t be tempted to work on more than one behavior at a time.
3. Develop a plan to address this behavior
Discuss with your partner, or a trusted friend, what the new behavior should be. Also, plan what the reward and consequence will be. Make sure the reward and consequence are things that you can actually implement and are willing to be consistent with. (Remember, consistency doesn’t mean perfection- you just need to aim for 80% + of the time.) Then, once the adults are on the same page, announce the changes to your child. A family meeting can be a nice time to introduce this, but remember to keep the announcement brief. This is not a 2-way conversation, or a long-winded lecture.
4. Address this one behavior for 1-2 months
It actually takes 60 days to establish a habit- IF it’s being done consistently. So, that means it if took a few days or a week for your child to change their behavior, you need to ‘start the clock’ from that point if you want this new behavior to become habit.
While you’re introducing this new change, try to strike a balance with enforcing your other rules; don’t throw them out the door, but try to not become overly strict with the established rules, either. Your other rules should be a habit at this point, and not something that your kids spend a lot of time or energy trying to keep up with. If you’re having trouble seeing progress, think about keeping a weekly journal where you can track some of your insights and observations.
5. Rinse and Repeat
Once this new behavior is ingrained, repeat steps 2-4.
Self-Care Is Critical
Lastly, please make sure to take care of yourself. You’ve heard this before, but there’s a reason it’s discussed with regularity. Implementing a parenting plan will work best if you are at the top of your game. Make it a priority to get what you need to be at your best; it may go beyond making sure you have a healthy lifestyle. Some examples are: be connected with your spiritual life, have a social outlet, workout, use your brain, have the chance to express yourself artistically. Taking some time for yourself is not selfish- it’s necessary and beneficial for your family.
You Get What You Give
Parenting with a plan will require some work upfront, but it will pay off quickly. You may even be able to avoid some of the distractions on the journey by being focused on your destination! You’ll feel confident in the direction you’re heading.
So, what can you gain from some extra focus? Where does your plan begin? Share in the comment section below!
Further Reading
- Parenting 101: The 4 Types of Parenting Styles
- My Problem With Positive Parenting
- Raising Resilient Kids
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