Raising Kids with Resilience and Self-Control

I like to think of raising resilient children as the opposite of helicopter parenting. If we give kids space, we are showing our kids we have confidence in their ability to problem-solve and cope with tough situations.

By teaching resilience, and allowing our kids to struggle that just-right amount, we will build up their tolerance to dealing with stress, and help them develop stronger self-control and impulse-control.

Raising Resilient Children for Life

Resilience is important in so many aspects of our lives.

Whether it’s learning to ride a bike, try new foods, make new friends, taking a driver’s test, or standing up to peer pressure. Resiliency impacts all areas of life, at all ages. A resilient child is able to let life roll off their back a little easier, even when true adversity hits. They keep going even when things get hard. They are tenacious. And they are deeply admirable kids.

The amazing news is, this isn’t only an innate personality trait. It can be taught and strengthened! To help develop more resilient children, you can:

1. Teach your kid mantras

Give them that positive voice in their head! Teaching positive self-talk at an early age can help their self-esteem and confidence. The point of these mantras for kids isn’t that they’re particularly eloquent. In fact, they need to be short enough to memorize easily. They need to be powerful. And your child needs to believe them (or believe they could eventually be true).

Some kids will prefer first-person (I), and some speak to themselves as if they are addressing another person (you). Both of those are fine, and I’ve included both languages to help you and your kid find something that speaks to them. But these are just a jumping off point- feel free to play around and even create your own!

Some examples of these kinds of mantras are:

1. I am (their name here) and I can do hard things.
2. I can keep going a little further.
3. When I try hard, I can do great things
4. I will not quit (We changed this to a family mantra at our house, “Coopers don’t quit.)
5. “The hard is what makes it great.” (Tom Hanks as Jimmy in A League of Their Own.)
6. I know I can get through this.
7. I like the challenge of trying new things.
8. I get better every day

You can even pair these with deep breathing for a calming skill.

2. Praise the trying, not the result

If they truly tried their best, that is worthy of praise. On the flip-side, if the only time your kid hears praise from you is for a job that is (near) perfectly done, they can start to feel like your love may not be unconditional, and that their worth is determined by things out of their control (like bringing home a perfect score on a test, when that may not be their ability level, or being the fastest kid on the team). That is setting up a recipe for low self-esteem, which is definitely not what we’re going for. Especially since resilient children tend to have high self-esteem.

3. Teach problem-solving skills

I talk more about problem solving skills in this article about impulse control. If you know that problems are solveable, you’re much less likely to hide it and wallow with it, possibly even blaming yourself for the problem. You’re more likely to start chipping away at the problem, because you know that you’ll be able to solve it, or at least bring about some change. Basically, knowing you can solve problems gives a massive boost to a person’s self-efficacy.

4. Let Them Make Mistakes

Back-up and let your kids make mistakes.

Give them the chance to find themselves in a (mildly) stressful situation. Whenever I think about the problem of balancing the need and desire to protect our kids, and the need to let them grow and learn from life experience, it reminds me of Finding Nemo. Specifically, the part when Marlin (the dad) says to Nemo, “I’ll never let anything happen to you.” But if nothing ever happens to him, he’ll never grow.

In over-protecting our kids, we rob them of the chance to figure things out for themselves. Failure can be an excellent teacher. We don’t call kids resilient if they’re doing well, but nothing bad has happened. By definition, resilient children are the ones who bloom in the face of adversity.

5. Teach them to “fight the flight”

In the course of a big project or task, most people have the feeling of “isn’t this over yet?!” The desire, or impulse, to fly away from the situation is what I’m labeling the ‘flight’ here. And since your kids are human, they, too, will have the impulsive feeling of needing to give up, or just be done. They need to learn to ‘fight the flight. Resilient children are able to do this with coping skills like:

1. Taking a breath and working on it for 1 more minute. (Repeat as needed to finish)
2. Taking a timed break and coming back to it. Bonus points for using physical activity as the break while working on something cognitive.

6. Be a good role-model

You may already be a master of your impulses, but if it’s only in your mind, it’s time to start voicing some of your inner-process so kids can learn how we think internally. Talk through your mental process, especially as it relates to your resiliency and tenacity. Let them know when you’re successful in your fight against the impulse to take the easy way out, and what helped you to win that fight.

7. Love them Unconditionally

Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child says, “The single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.” So, the most important thing you can do is be there for them, no matter what.

Resilience in Your Family

Have you seen resilience in your child(ren)? Do you use any family mantras that I didn’t write above? I’d love to hear what your kids are using as their positive self-talk! Please, let me know in the comments below.

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